Thoughts

Standing in Motion

As the big 30 looms close. I pause to reflect on my life.

No la, actually I was only feeling extremely frustrated at this instant in my life with the lack of perceived progress. From where I stand, every facet of my life just seems to be in a jam. I seem to be standing still as everything rushes by. People seem to be overtaking me in many areas where I felt I was once was comfortably ahead and alone.

For lack of better words to express it, I see no progress occurring even though as a matter of fact there has been much. Some measurable, some not. Some big, some small, some in the areas of work, personal life and some in the area of my temperament. Small words of opinion and gentle/not so gentle rebuttal to things I say indicate that there has been indeed much change for the better.

Without a doubt, my 29th year has been the single most silently explosive year of my life. I have never worked so much, run so much, travelled so much, earned so much, spent so much, thought so much, learned so much, talked so much and attempted so much compared to any year before. Come to think about it, in November I will cycle further than I’ve ever cycled in my life. Still, I feel like I am lacking. Like I am missing something substantial.

“Not sure what you mean by stagnant…”

Was a comment, followed by many concrete examples of progress when I voiced my discomfort in something I didn’t want to be part of anymore due to the lack of perceived progress. I don’t know what is making me feel this way, just that I am and it’s an indicator alerting me to something I cannot place my thumb on.

So what’s a 30 year-old to do with a feeling like that? And why so much self-doubt and second guessing? Perhaps with 1/3 – 1/2 of my life past me, the question of my mortality has certainly popped up. Too many funerals this year. The question of my purpose has popped up. What’s a Christian to do? What’s his real purpose beyond being an active member of the local church? Certainly his identity and activities apart from the church is just as important as his identity and activities as a part of the church. The question of making a living and the path I should take has come up. What else can I and should I pursue in future? Where will it take me?

I think there are simple answers. Just not ones that I like to hear or are actionable enough at the moment. Perhaps that is also the difficulty to it. Not taking action because there is nothing to do but wait. Wait until the things I’ve set in motion take me to where i think I’m going. Standing in motion, saving my energy for the next sprint.

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Happenings, Thoughts

Rocher

After a couple of weeks of not being able to walk she finally stopped eating and drinking for a day and went to rest in the afternoon of 25th August 2014.

How aloof can one dog be

Rocher in dignified times

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Looking poised

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I was told beagles would be greedy and eating till they had one (or two) feet in the grave and it is absolutely true. Even when she was unable to walk, she would still eat when we lifted her head over her bowl. Her entire life she was always nudging our legs with her wet nose at the table begging for food and she loved the lotus roots I fed her along with whatever she could get. I think she even tipped one of my aunt’s carrot cake to the floor and ate it all during the chinese new year.

"oh hai"

“oh hai”

At the SPCA

picked her from the SPCA

At the SPCA

At the SPCA

Think this was from the early days at home

Think this was from the early days at home

I remember when we got her from the SPCA, my mom and sister picked her and she was this aloof bundle of energy.  She came when she was 4 and she’d always sheepishly walk away when I tried to take a picture of her. When she was too lazy to walk she would just turn away and give me this evil eye. I did manage to get  quite a few photos though.

"what are you doing to me human.."

“what are you doing to me human..”

heh heh heh

heh heh heh let me leave these guys a present..

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her favourit-est corner of the house. Nice and warm because of the fridge

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Sunning in the open

I never really wanted her at the start. I was always still nursing a gap left by Candy and I guess I never really get over any of the dogs I lost. I always wonder whether it would be worth it to have a companion all these years only to outlive each of them time and again. We see them from cradle to grave, a mini reflection of what it means to take care of human companions and be committed to the very end. I wonder how people do this time and again and how can we bear leaving others behind or be left behind by others. It’s simply too tough.

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watching the world go by

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Her gently accusing eyes whenever I take a picture.. heh..

So indicated in my calendar, every 29th of August I think of Candy, and now every 25th I will think of Rocher as well. 2 silly dogs that took up residence in my heart and left a big vacuum when they left. I’m not sure why I don’t think of Lolly as much.. perhaps because she never suffered the indignities of old age. Perhaps because of that I didn’t feel like I invested a lot even though I might have.

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Will I ever have enough space for another dog? perhaps not. 3 holes are enough for now. Oh dearie you guys feel so far away now. See you all.

YH

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Thoughts

Little Talks

I’ve enjoyed having various conversations with different people over the past few days. It brings the level of my own thinking up a notch or two when flaws in my thinking are revealed or new perspectives are gained.

I feel a that new perspective is not something you can just get on your own on demand or through effort, it requires inpouring of thoughts from elsewhere. A book, a person or a muse such as music or art. I’ve come to see that art that inspires as well as writing that stirs the heart and mind can be as useful as having a direct exchange with another person and am growing to enjoy such things more. Listening is key to capture a new perspective or thought; suspending processing and judgement or forming thoughts while at the same time making sense of the input I am taking in. Therefore, in addition to human interactions, I think reading is perhaps loosely some form of listening.

I find that while reading, “listening” is easier and I am able to take in as much as I like at any one time and control the pace at which the book “talks” to me by simply stopping to ponder. Of course, the book will not hear any of my questions, comments or clarifications, so thought-intake from a book tends to be more voluntary and the author gets to say his piece without interruption as long as a reader is willing. Listening to people is a far more active task than reading. A conversation with another person may come with the obligation to carry on the conversation even when personal interest and attention has long expired while a book’s feelings will never be hurt when you lay it down, sometimes never to pick it up again. It is always ready to talk to you and ever willing to share its content.

Separately, a human interaction differs in that it is coloured by our past experience as well as our own self-consciousness. A concern with how we look, sound and how the other person views us. We also have to process not just what is being said but the tone, body language as well as other non-verbal nuances to fully understand what another person is truly communicating. This requires developing skills of observation that can only come with practice; the more interactions you have, the better you will likely get. You might also have to deal with an inarticulate mind or language abilities that differ, perhaps a small inconvenience for the richness of conversational metadata while exchanging ideas.

These few days have presented many chances to capture other’s perspectives. Just a day more to go, not many opportunities to interact after but here quality definitely trumps quantity. Didn’t think much about art and music but I think they can be separately considered at length sometime else.

Looking forward to more people, books, art and music!

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Thoughts

Weekends Are Special

I’ve come to realise how little time we have to spend outside work and how a couple of hours each weekend can result in such a garden of shared experiences and drinking a fantastic amount of coffee.

Its really only 52 times a year. Not alot? Consider that you spend about 5 times of that working and for a greater number of hours each time. Are we very much better at working than having a good time? Or perhaps man is supposed to work the week and rest a day as God instituted.

Perhaps what is important to a relationship is not the quantity of time but the frequency and regularity of interaction.

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Thoughts

In the Wife’s Absence

  • The bed is too big and I start sleeping in the middle
  • The air conditioning is set above 27/28deg at low fan
  • Sleeping time becomes later and later
  • More runs
  • More side projects move along
  • Too much time in the evenings
  • Slightly more outings with people

Haha.. Nothing particularly good or bad. Also doesn’t reflect the internal state of things.

 

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