As the big 30 looms close. I pause to reflect on my life.
No la, actually I was only feeling extremely frustrated at this instant in my life with the lack of perceived progress. From where I stand, every facet of my life just seems to be in a jam. I seem to be standing still as everything rushes by. People seem to be overtaking me in many areas where I felt I was once was comfortably ahead and alone.
For lack of better words to express it, I see no progress occurring even though as a matter of fact there has been much. Some measurable, some not. Some big, some small, some in the areas of work, personal life and some in the area of my temperament. Small words of opinion and gentle/not so gentle rebuttal to things I say indicate that there has been indeed much change for the better.
Without a doubt, my 29th year has been the single most silently explosive year of my life. I have never worked so much, run so much, travelled so much, earned so much, spent so much, thought so much, learned so much, talked so much and attempted so much compared to any year before. Come to think about it, in November I will cycle further than I’ve ever cycled in my life. Still, I feel like I am lacking. Like I am missing something substantial.
“Not sure what you mean by stagnant…”
Was a comment, followed by many concrete examples of progress when I voiced my discomfort in something I didn’t want to be part of anymore due to the lack of perceived progress. I don’t know what is making me feel this way, just that I am and it’s an indicator alerting me to something I cannot place my thumb on.
So what’s a 30 year-old to do with a feeling like that? And why so much self-doubt and second guessing? Perhaps with 1/3 – 1/2 of my life past me, the question of my mortality has certainly popped up. Too many funerals this year. The question of my purpose has popped up. What’s a Christian to do? What’s his real purpose beyond being an active member of the local church? Certainly his identity and activities apart from the church is just as important as his identity and activities as a part of the church. The question of making a living and the path I should take has come up. What else can I and should I pursue in future? Where will it take me?
I think there are simple answers. Just not ones that I like to hear or are actionable enough at the moment. Perhaps that is also the difficulty to it. Not taking action because there is nothing to do but wait. Wait until the things I’ve set in motion take me to where i think I’m going. Standing in motion, saving my energy for the next sprint.